gwinna: (Anakin)
[personal profile] gwinna
Title: how to be a perfect jedi
Author: Gwinna
Fandom: Star Wars
Rating: PG/K+
Characters: Anakin, mentions of Obi-Wan and Palpatine
Genre: Gen, plotless introspection
Summary: Anakin hates that Obi-Wan never gets angry.

A/N: So, after eight years of writer’s block, I’ve managed to write a fanfic for the first time. Well, more like a ficlet. It’s super short and far from perfect, but I’m just going to go ahead and post it and hopefully move on to the next thing. Seriously, you have no idea how happy I am to have written even some trivial thing like this.

how to be a perfect jedi

Obi-Wan never gets angry with him, never raises his voice or curses or cuffs him the way Watto used to. He just sighs and looks grave, or at most impatient.

“I’m not angry at you, Anakin. Merely disappointed,” he always says, and it always makes Anakin want to scream. Obi-Wan makes it sound like anger is a lightsaber, and disappointment is a lightsaber set in training mode or something. Like he’s too perfect of a Jedi to feel anger, but Anakin’s transgressions are too egregious not to warrant some kind of negative emotion. Like he doesn’t know his restraint only makes the reproof more crushing, because it serves to illustrate just how far Anakin falls short.

Anakin hates disappointing Obi-Wan, even as he can’t seem to stop doing it. Sometimes he tries to imagine what it would be like to be the Jedi Obi-Wan and the Council want him to be. Anakin Skywalker, cool, composed, rational. Never acting without thinking. Feeling nothing for his fellow beings beyond a sense of detached compassion.

Not missing his mother, not caring that he might never see her again. Watching people suffer and die when bending the rules might have prevented it.

Whenever he imagines this, he finds it is something he cannot even wish to be. The thought makes him feel vaguely guilty, as though he’s being somehow disloyal towards Obi-Wan.

He remembers something Palpatine told him once, early in his apprenticeship when he wanted to run away from the Temple, back home to Mom. “It is unfortunate,” Palpatine had said, “that neither the Jedi Order, nor the Senate, nor the galaxy as a whole are what we would wish them to be. But you have a choice, Anakin, whether to run away and lose the opportunity to effect change – or to become the type of Jedi you dreamed of.”

He imagines the Jedi Order as he wishes it would be. He thinks about freeing the slaves, and bringing Mom to live with him. Then he pictures playing pranks on the Council members, and Obi-Wan yelling and cursing as he chases him up and down the halls of the Temple, and he laughs.
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June 2015

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